Let's Talk: Reigniting the Erotic

Let's Talk: Reigniting the Erotic

We are happy to partner with relationship and sex therapist Mia Fine to help you with your most intimate queries and concerns. Hear her thoughts on reigniting the erotic.

Learn more about Mia Fine here.



“What is the relationship between love and desire? How do they relate, and how do they conflict… 
Therein lies the mystery of eroticism”.
-Esther Perel, psychotherapist, and author of Mating in Captivity and State of Affairs.



What I love most about being a sex therapist is the healing that people experience by reigniting the erotic on their own and in their relationships. Couples come to me five years, or twenty, or sometimes even six months in, asking for help - the erotic desire has now waned and its disappearance has begun to deeply impact their lives.


People forget that they once shivered with excitement at the way he smelled after a shower, the way she unzipped her dress, the way they knew exactly where to nibble and when. The thing is, if eroticism existed once, it exists all along - we just have to find it.


In exploring eroticism, I invite you to think about times when you were erotically charged.



How did you feel? Was the erotic experience sensual, kinky, comfortable, passionate, loving? Did you share this experience with another person, or were you solo in your pleasure? Were you fully present in the moment? Were you in fantasy?



Next, write down your immediate associations to the following prompts (from Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity):


When I think of sex, I think of…

When I experience desire, I feel…

When I am desired, I feel...

In sex, I look for…



The responses can be illuminating, offering beautifully helpful information to identify erotic charge. Now we have the invitation to get creative in bringing those uniquely sexy experiences back into the bedroom - or the kitchen, the shower, or the backyard!


When I practice this exercise with clients, what response frequently shows up? More often than not, the word fun! Having fun is key to keeping erotic desire alive. That might mean exploring joyful novelty, bringing a sense of play into your sex life and finding ways to make solo pleasure about self-love.


On the one hand, we need security and dependability for intimacy in a relationship; on the other hand, we need mystery and adventure to keep the flame alive. Balancing the two often results in a beautiful dance. With the invitation to share their erotic experiences - an invitation to explore the fantasy of what could be - lovers are given a gift. They are reminded of what turns their partners on that is unique to them, of their once-shared erotic desires, and an invitation to craft an erotic experience based on their hungers and appetites.


Tip to Try: Recall an erotic image and, without words, describe it to your partner with your 
finger, lips, hair, tongue, and teeth.



Recommended Book Resources:


-Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel, LMFT

-Tell Me What You Want - Justin Lehmiller, PhD.  

-The Erotic Mind - Jack Morin, PhD.


Recommended Products:



Weekend in Bed

Silky Sash

Scandal Feather Crop


Read all of Mia's posts here.

Learn more about Mia and her practice here.


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